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For Jessica or as I like to call her Pumpkin (see what i did there with the web address 😉)

Look, wasn't planning on cutting off your vent about your vacation, but you need to go through this first.

And yeah... you were right. You know damn well I won't even open up my email when I'm just relaxing at home, so building an entire fucking website for someone is a whole different story.

This isn't a random website, Jessica. Tread within, if thy heart prove bold..

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Official Terms & Conditions of Engagement

Accessing this website is not a right; it is a privilege. Before you are granted entry, you must acknowledge and accept the following binding conditions regarding your behavior and our future association. Scrolling to the end is mandatory to acknowledge you've read your rights—or lack thereof.

Clause 1 (The Apology Cap): You are strictly prohibited from saying "sorry" more than once a week. Any excess apologies will result in immediate ignorance and severe penalties.
Clause 2 (The Overthinking Protocol): You must immediately cease overthinking and hesitating before sending pictures. Just fucking send them, you’re beautiful, and delaying is a violation of site policy.
Clause 3 (The Nissan Infraction): You must formally acknowledge that your Nissan is highly questionable, and you must agree to gradually adopt my mutual resentment towards it.
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The Evaluation

Now that you've logged in, we need to take a quick look back at the last 2 months since we met on **May 12th**.

Exhibit A: First Impressions

For once I'll forgo my ego be entirely honest. When I first came across your profile, my genuine, 100% initial thought was: “Yeah, there is zero shot this isn't a gay man behind the screen.” Fast forward two months, and against all medical odds, you turned out to be a girl (and probably, my favorite one).

Exhibit B: The Medical Journal

Data shows you are deeply convinced you have ADHD. As a certified non-believer, I am officially filing this under 'Imaginary Conditions to Excuse Being Impatient.' However, it does explain a lot.

Exhibit C: Commander Kitty

I genuinely need to understand how you have a username like Commander Kitty but your entire Instagram feed is just you hyperfixating on BLOODY INFITINY NIKKI. You're out here spending your actual, valuable time coordinating outfits for a virtual character, but you still can't see what's wrong with your Nissan. The math isn't mathing. Consider yourself officially on notice; you will be dragged for this indefinitely⚠️.

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The Distance Factor

0.0

That is the exact distance between you and me (or at least that's what Maps says).

A completely ridiculous gap. Statistically and geographically, this makes absolutely zero sense.

But then you send a voice note or laugh on a call, and the math completely breaks. Distance is annoying, but you make every single mile feel like nothing.

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Security Verification

Answer this final question correctly to unlock your destiny.

According to your mom, what is my official primary occupation?

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Hey Calabacita

I want to make this completely official so I can legally bully you forever.

Will you be my girlfriend?

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Official!

Best decision you've ever made. Maybe it is still our honeymoon phase but as they say at Mcdonald's I'M LOVIN IT. 😉